| I will take vengeance apon my enemies. |
[ July 20th, 2007 • 10:57am ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blank |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Bleeding Through |
] |
I still suck at updating this adequately.
It's been days and days since I last saw her face.
But her image is still fresh in my memory like I saw her yesterday.
It sickens me that I think of her so often.
Because I know what she's really said about me.
I know what she really thought about me.
and I know that she's in a sense "upgraded" (in her mind maybe)
It seems as if she's super happy.
Guilt free.
With someone new.
I should have known that if it was that easy to get over a 6 month relationship with some bitch in two weeks, then it was easy to get over a week relationship in a fucking day.
I feel like I wasted myself.
I gave way to much away.
I let my gaurd down, thinking, Well this is the one.
Maybe.
Because all the other times I ruined it with my mouth and doubt
This time, my doubt was real.
My doubt was my gut feeling.
My doubt was the truth.
I still really don't get why It is so impossible for me to find anyone to take care of me and want me in that way.
It seems that I am like the elephant man or something.
Disfigured, digusting, disturbing.
People constantly are reasurring me,
Oh that's not it.
You're not ugly.
You're not fat.
You're not disgusting.
You're not creepy.
But I hear the faint whispers from my past.
All the people who said I were each of those things.
I scar forced apon my heart.
A gash in my chest.
an un-stitchable wound.
A laceration.
Does it seem like I am still head over heals for this girl?
Because I'm not.
I'm more concerned just with the situation.
I want to get over it completely.
I want her out of my head.
and It sickens me that I wonder what she's doing at all times.
it sickens me that I wonder how she's feeling at all times.
But It's never me wondering if she's happy.
It's me wondering if she's hurting, in pain, crying, seizing, dying.
Something that would bring satisfaction back into my heart.
I don't love her.
I don't like her.
But I am utterly obsessed with what she did to me.
I'm trying to figure it out peice by peice.
We never shared any intimacy.
We never fucked.
Because I just wasn't fit enough for that.
Because If I had been skinny and oh so gorgeous, she would have dropped my pants in an instant.
We connected on some level.
and I don't know why.
She had nothing intelligent to say.
She had nothing to give me emotionally.
She didn't have a heart left.
She didn't have feelings.
She had a raw desire for taking everyone down like she was.
I want to know why I am so broken down.
I want to dig beneath my veins and skin
dig beneath my bones
and find the very reason I am so disheveled.
I don't think it's because I like her at all anymore.
She was beautiful, but she played her part so well.
An actress.
Just another fucking actress.
With all the Cameron Diaz's, Drew Barrymoore's,
Lindsay Lohan's, Paris Hilton's, and whatever other actresses, she would get lost in their sea of pretending.
But some how, I think she faked it way better than any of them.
I want my days back.
I want my weeks back.
because I was a whole person at once.
But now I'm a pile of rubble and I cannot explain why at all.
My friends want me back.
I want me back.
My family wants me back.
I WANT ME BACK.
|
|
|
| Dissapeared. |
[ July 10th, 2007 • 11:53am ] |
I completely forgot about live journal.
and it's uncanny ability to let me rant about how my sad life is going.
here's a re cap.
don't at all ever say
that women aren't capable of putting another girl
in the same termoil as a man can.
Cause it isn't true.
they're MORE capable.
I was ruined in one royal sweep.
One flush.
One smash.
One slap in the face.
That's pretty much it.
I thought she was everything.
but just like the nothing I was to her
she is now nothing to me.
NOTHING.
|
|
|
| Passive Agressive BULLSHIT. |
[ June 6th, 2007 • 12:22pm ] |
I have found that I have become more and more agitated.
All I have to do is sit here, and bullshit comes seeping in.
I'm just so confused about several things.
I just don't get nor do I even comprehend any of this shit.
I feel so inadequate now, more than ever.
In many situations.
I can apply my sad underprivelaged mindset to everything.
I want someone I can just sit with
and forget every single aching moment I ever had.
I want someone who wont dissapoint me.
Because this whole fucking life has been a bitter dissapointment.
All because I am a fucking reject idiot.
I can't do a single thing correctly.
When I do it's a waste of time.
I might as well just sink into my grave.
I just want to give up.
But sitting in the back of my mind
Is that urge and want to find someone to change my mind.
Someone to live for.
Something to live for.
I don't have it yet.
Nor do I have the courage to search for it.
I gave up.
I truely gave up.
Now I can't even admit I like people.
When I KNOW I do.
I don't do a thing about it.
Why push myself into something I know wont work.
Nothing will work.
That's the sad truth.
I can't date.
I can't find a job.
I can't even exist correctly.
How did I get to be damaged goods?
I want to fix this.
I just don't know
what it will take for this all to clear up.
Hope is distant.
|
|
|
| It's easier to expect the worse, than dread the worst. |
[ May 30th, 2007 • 1:04pm ] |
why try to let them prove they're different?
few people have ever succeeded on
showing me that they're not the same
peices of shit i've weeded out before
and i thank them, and praise them for being so much more
than lying manipulative shit talkers
but as for the other people
that still lie on the inbetween line
who tend to stray back and forth
who cannot decide if they think i am a peice of shit or not
one moment you can be the golden friend
that they think are so amazing, you're dripping with beauty and perfection
then another moment, if you refuse to feed their flame
they turn on you and say you are that peice of shit
that fat whore, that slut, that skank, that selfish arrogant prick.
all because you didn't want to boost their ego
or allow their foul play.
i wouldn't have to say that everyone was the same
if people were their own person
instead of doing and saying exactly what they're "best friends" do
we all know if one person hates you, 8 others do as well.
because running in a flock is far better than jogging alone.
i'm entirely sick of people telling me
that i am far too negative
and that i shouldn't expect people to all be the same
but what would you do
if everyone that has entered and exited your life
has repeatedly done the same things?
and for what reasons, I don't know.
Most people swear up and down
that it's something that I myself, repeatedly do
But ask my real fucking friends
ask the people I do love
and see who I really am and what I really do for people
It isn't me.
and It never was me.
I, at one point, expected the same actions and respect
that I give out in return.
But now, when I do something nice for someone
Say something nice to someone
Help someone
Fix someone
It goes without saying
It goes without knowledge
and It goes without a thank you
This is the bitter game of life.
You're either a good guy
A bad guy, or a clone of the two.
|
|
|
| To the tune of your death |
[ May 27th, 2007 • 12:47pm ] |
I'm in the same rut I'm always in.
Fed up with being single.
Fed up with a boring life.
I'm fed up.
I can't do shit about it either.
Whatever.
|
|
|
| Shit bricks. |
[ May 20th, 2007 • 2:17am ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
lethargic |
] |
Humph.
I suppose I again lacked on refreshing my collection of pointless rants about my shitty unimportant life, so you, the bored insomniac reader, can pity me or think to yourself " Atleast I'm not THAT pathetic. "
Oh you're not close enough.
I have had heartburn since last night
after I forced down one Mango Mojito with Passionfruit Malibu Rum.
Last night was a complete waste of time, money and effort.
I guess forcing myself to party and forcing myself to pretend I'm having a fantastic time has FINALLY taken it's toll, and finally kicked me right in the ribcage.
So over it.
Getting drunk and hooking up = not cool, not fun, not impressive.
Alcohol was made for men who cannot get laid sober.
Then the women realized that alcohol made them seem free,
so they feel the need to satisfy the men who cannot get laid
when they're sober.
Alcohol was also made to embarass each and every fiber of our being, just to show how much we secretely inside hate ourselves, so we're slowly drinking away our liver and tripping over unaccountable numbers of rocks, sticks, feet, shoes, plants, tables, or sometimes something that isn't even there. Imaginary path blocks that turn us in to a beat-red laughing stock and a story forever etched into someones "party years."
I suppose we're all just one big stereotypical family.
Every girl is a booze-hounding skank.
Can't keep their legs shut or refuse to admit their REAL sexuality.
Every male is a drunken-sailor on viagra.
Even if they're in a loving amazing relationship, they'll drop their jeans in a matter of minutes if you offer them any form of foreplay.
Yum, I love the taste of bitterness.
The things I wish to be different will never be.
But I can still waste my time on mouthing some poetic wish
aimed at the sky with stars in it's path.
I just want to stop being lonely and find a companion
that will change my whole perspective on life.
But right now all I've got is my job,
which is dangling by thin fishing line.
I am merely a marionette bouncing from left to right.
Left being shitty stomach-cramping tear jerking depression.
Right being pants-pissing gleeful happiness.
I havn't been towards the right in days.
Breaking subject, one thing last night made me smile.
A certain person mentioned how good I looked and how proud of me he is that I lost weight.
And also that I was " Hot. "
Now for most people this would qualify as just a few more
drunken slurrs from another male organism.
To me this felt like a real compliment.
A self esteem boosting smile slapped me in the face afterwards.
But then I promptly reminded myself of how drunk he was.
As well as reminding myself that I cannot start liking him.
Due to the fact that he is way too good looking to EVER consider any form of "dating" relationship with myself.
And he is another person on the "DO NOT TOUCH" list.
He's yet again, one of my brothers friends.
I need to pick a better crowd to stumble apon.
But then again, I'm not one for making leaps into the unknown.
And I wouldn't dare show my face in a crowd that I know will rip my whole self respect and self esteem into thousands of tiny unrepairable specs.
Not again.
I don't miss Craig as much anymore.
I'm getting used to seeing his ugly girlfriend leave him
rediculously immature comments about stupid lovey dovey
fake ass bullshit.
Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate you both.
I'd love to shove a knife in his chest and just twist,
While repeating all the stupid lies he shoved into my head.
Remember that every man is a selfish pig.
All of them.
I think it's bed time.
I only had 2 and a half hours of sleep.
From 5:30am to 8:00am.
Then I found out my meeting was cancelled at work.
So it was pointless that I even woke up.
I was forced to stay awake by annoyances until 10:00am.
I finally fell asleep and re-emerged around 3:00pm.
Then I just did lazy things as usual.
I have work tomorrow at 3:00pm.
More sitting in a shop and feeling like a bump on the log of success.
A tattooed log of success, even.
Goodnight, Reader.
|
|
|
| Selfishness. |
[ May 9th, 2007 • 12:46pm ] |
" Joining the club!
Drinking...parties...appearance...
Anti-intelligence...belligerence
These are the things that matter when you're in
How many hours will you talk about
Yourself? Your car?
Your things you can't live without?
Count me out! "
Take that into consideration.
I hate my selfish ex friends.
|
|
|
| "You got KNOCKED the fuck out!" |
[ April 28th, 2007 • 6:33pm ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bored |
] |
I'm waiting to figure out what the plans are for tonight.
Displace me was cancelled, because I had no ride.
:[
Also I had to put my cat Gir to sleep because he has Feline Aids :[
Shitty day.
It's awkwardly hot as well and it's driving me absolutely mad.
I really want a new interest of "love"
Because still being head over heals with Craig is killing me
His new girlfriend
is a freak.
she's a fucking hick ass horse lover.
Uhm, since when the fuck are you into that?
Whatever.
I guess I'm jealous.
|
|
|
| anything you need... |
[ April 22nd, 2007 • 9:37pm ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 cranky |
] |
Big long dramatic sigh.
The day of my birthday was awesome.
I had fun, and enjoyed the show.
However, my birthday party was a hop skip and a jump away from disaster
on several occasions.
:/
I talked to Craig.
Well.
I forced myself to...
How do you think it went?
Terrible.
Not only did I fall and nearly break my ankle before it.
But I was beyond drunk by 6 pm.
I cried against him, I yelled, I begged.
I wanted some sort of truth but all I still got was cold silence.
You have no clue how miserable I was standing in front of him
Not allowed to touch or kiss him.
Just stare... and Wish.
and Pray.
and Regret.
and Die.
and Pity.
I wanted this so badly.
But you can't have what you know is real.
This wasn't a petty heartbreak, No.
This has it's own title and bullshit story line.
I'm faithless and hopeless.
I love him with all of my shit being.
But I know
that in my eyes
I am a peice of shit
and nothing I ever said or meant or did or want to do
No actions of mine showing my devotion and love
Ever mattered and never will matter.
It's the cold hard truth.
Love is one sided.
And it's looking very gloomy lately.
:/
|
|
|
| Broken. |
[ April 19th, 2007 • 8:48pm ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
crappy |
] |
My birthday is a meer 4 hours away, or so.
I'm excited, to an extent.
My birthday party is a different story.
The 21st has now gripped me by the throat.
Why would a party make someone so... doubtful?
I'll tell you.
But I'm sure you figured that eh?
The guy I have liked for nearly two years will be there.
Oh yes, doesn't sound too shitty does it?
Well, this guy is amazing, convieniently.
He has nothing wrong with him physically, or, well, kiss or sex wise either.
He's a bit off in the mental station, but I can deal.
Eh, not like hes mine though.
That is the problem.
I had the priveledge of "dating" this amazing man.
For a whole, what, two fucking days, I felt amazing.
Only two.
I wish it were longer but, it's me you're talking about.
Miss Unlucky.
Sadly we abruptly ended.
His reasoning:
" I'm not ready for a relationship."
Well.
I loved him.
Honestly.
I know I've said I've loved a lot of people.
I was young and really fucking retarded each of those times.
I can't get him off my mind.
I keep remembering all of the things i've done with him.
All of the smiles I had on my face when he just made me laugh
for no apparent reason.
Happiness.
I think I ruined it.
I think some how I just wasn't good enough.
I've already told you this story before, I know.
Now, back to my point.
This lying sack of amazing shit, has a NEW girlfriend.
Though he
" wasn't ready for a relationship "
You know what mother fucker?
I just think you didn't want a relationship with me.
Why?
Because obviously I'm fuckin lacking something here.
Like,
Looks.
Personality.
What the fuck is it?
The girl he is with is fucking ugly anyways.
So, I know it cannot be her looks in mind.
:/
The party is going to suck because it's a joint party.
With him.
Because Mister Amazing Wonderful has the same bullshit birthday as me.
He's going to be 25, and rubbing up on some ugly skank whore right in front of me.
And knowing me, the uber jealous whiney type.
I will cry.
Break a few bottles.
Or faces.
Depending on who says what.
I garauntee, I will be broken down Saturday night.
Because the only person I ever felt REAL love for
Never wanted me and wont want me again.
fuck birthdays
and men
|
|
|
| Victim. |
[ April 13th, 2007 • 4:23pm ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
annoyed |
] |
Thank you, God. For I am not ignorant.
I do not understand ( nor will I ever it seems )
the concept of friendship.
Or the main purpose of any "relationship"
You see, from who I am, I know, that when I don't fucking like someone
this is known, Blatant, outfront, clear as crystal.
But, apparently, with other people, you're allowed to go
back on your word and your sworn sentences.
I'm going to quit beating around the bush now.
If you fucking talk shit and hate someone
why the fuck would you, two days, two months, whenever, go back
and expect that friendship to be rekindled?
Honestly, I know the only reason people are talking again
is because they know that it pisses me off.
though I am obviously aggrivated, I'm not going to cave in
and go apologize to anyone.
Why?
Because everyone that isn't my goddamn friend,
frankly, doesn't fucking deserve to be.
I'm not saying I have a high standard of admittance,
you don't need to be a certain something to be my friend.
Well, okay, you do.
You can't:
Lie
Cheat
Fake
Pretend
Use
Abuse
etc.
That doesn't sound too fucking difficult to me.
I guess my higher standards will end up protecting me in the end.
If people want to befriend liars, fakes, cheats, and peices of shit.
Well, be my guest.
I will chuckle and piss with glee once
you're fucked and sit crying with no one
to cator to your bullshit needs anymore.
It sucks being on the shit end of the rope doesn't it?
When you betray someone with so much obvious power.
When you let out all your little secrets, that only gave me
The permission to let them out as well.
I will ruin your life like you ruined mine periodically.
I will hunt you down and observe your suffering.
Why?
Because Karma is a beautiful beautiful thing.
And once you try to shake my foundation
I will bring my chainsaw and force your world to collapse
Like trees in an over abundant forest.
Or, I could do nothing.
I could sit back.
Stare, and watch as you fuck up your own life.
It's so much more entertaining playing god.
Molding your clay problems.
That's all you do.
You sit at home, building up your own equations.
Cliche problems that everyone has,
But you make yours so much more beleivable.
You want to be the victim, I can make you the victim.
You enjoyed your manipulation.
You tried so hard to make me into this
poor sad friend who kept bending, breaking at every request.
What do you do when you've had enough?
Rebel?
React?
I did nothing but the norm.
I broke out of this shell.
The sad reality that, well, I am not as low as you.
I will never be as low as you.
Never have I tried to con anyone to benefit my happiness.
Never have I, myself obliterated a friendship.
It's all boiled down to the same moments when one person
had but 2 choices.
2 choices which vary in situations.
2 choices which could effect either themselves, or themselves and I.
Well.
Most of you, oh i love this, MOST of you
Chose the path of self fucking righteous bullshit.
The benefit where you will only attempt to be glorified for, what I have no clue.
But end up being threatened, belittled, just like I was.
See me, the nanny, with a big spoonful of your own fucking medicine.
How does the bitter reality taste?
How does being abused, used, and mistreated feel?
Do you like being on this side?
I didn't think you did.
Revenge isn't always the answer.
Good karma is on my side, I know.
I wont poke or prod the situation any longer.
Though, the temptation of fucking pounding each of your
over make-upped faces in is great.
I will resist as long as I can.
I will just watch you ruin your own picture perfect life.
Someone, with less strength then me, Will find you at a similar place.
They wont show liniency like I do.
They wont show mercy.
The next person you fuck over might be a tad bit off their rocker, they might have a gun, a few knives, a car, some sort of weapon of choice.
And you.
You will finally get to claim your stardom.
As the fucking victim.
|
|
|
| Do you want a fucking war? |
[ April 6th, 2007 • 12:32pm ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 chipper |
] |
Ha.
Alright, I am now truely over it.
What is the point of having stupid selfish
one side minded friends in the first place?
THERE ISN'T ONE.
Talk shit.
Be bitter.
I think my education, my health, my career
is a tad bit more important
than what you say on myspace or say in phone texts, or even outloud.
I did nothing wrong so, I'm good.
My personality or demeaner needs no adjustment.
I'm going to live, and breathe, and care for people who are real.
The funny thing is, I'm not upset about it.
Because, how are you people going to have fun?
Since we used my car, my money, my house.
That's right, USED.
Because I was a pawn for the people who needed what I have.
Well now, what I have is up for grabs with people
who treat me with respect, who listen, who understand,
who do not judge me, they support me and help me instead of cast me out.
Rebuild and fuck someone else up.
this brain washing manipulative bullshit
is way below me.
I'm almost 18, and I'm going to fucking act like it.
Don't expect anymore of these posts referring to any of you
( because heaven forbid you people stop lurking my shit )
This is the last time I'll ever speak about you
Or speak about memories we've had,
the good times when you were alive and not dead.
Think about what YOU have fucked up.
But don't EVER fucking crawl back to me,
and you can quote that shit if you want.
|
|
|
| Stereotypical. |
[ April 4th, 2007 • 11:52am ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
blah |
] |
Everything is.
I hate that everytime I don't talk to someone
They think it's because I'm not over it and I'm being "immature"
That word seems to haunt me.
Maybe I'm caught in the days when friendship was important and valued.
Now it's nothing more than a friend request or a comment.
It's so sad because no one can see shit out of myspace.
I'm so over that pathetic form of communication.
I want to meet real people in real life who don't eat breath and sleep myspace.
That's not going to happen, though.
Also, this whole relationship deal.
If one more mother fucker says they want to be with me
then end up being a liar, I'm just going stab them.
Right in the fucking forehead.
Relationships are fake.
Friendships are fake.
Life is fake.
I'm not even in Hollywood or L.A or Las Vegas, Or Miami Florida
But EVERYTHING is fake.
|
|
|
| I guess this is growing up... |
[ April 3rd, 2007 • 6:19pm ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
blank |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Fffffuuuuccccckkkkkk |
] |
I am so sick of being told I'm immature and I'm a bad friend.
it's become seriously the final straw.
Why am I always the one in the wrong for being fucking honest?
God damn, you would love for me to lie but I'm not that kind of fucking person.
I don't care if the truth hurts you or even if it fucking kills you.
it's the truth, if you don't want to hear it go find a fucking fake friend.
This even being posted will start a whole whirlwind of shit.
And I don't fucking care.
Why?
Because I'm not sitting here pretending to like someone's actions, ways, choices, or anything.
I'm not sitting here pretending at all.
I'm sitting here sticking up for myself because No one else will fucking help.
Whatever.
If you can't find a good friend you might as well find new ones somewhere else.
I am sick of drama.
and I am sick of liars and people who talk shit.
But I'm saying right now
Don't fucking patronize me when I'm the only fucking honest person still living.
Besides Kat and Laura.
i'm starting to think they're my only good friends left.
Fuck it.
|
|
|
| Liar, Liar, if we're keeping score... |
[ March 27th, 2007 • 1:09pm ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
cold |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Commercials. |
] |
Sigh.
Life is one big pile of odd.
I don't get anything.
My heart isn't set on anyone anymore.
But I guess that's a good thing.
I still can't help but think of Craig every so often.
Just thinking to myself how hard I tried to get him to want me.
It makes me sick to my stomach because I kept trying to be someone I'm not.
He didn't want me for me, and well, that isn't okay.
I may not like who I am.
But if someone can't love me at my worst, then they can't love me ever.
Maybe I just need to cut myself off.
No contacting any of the "guys" who have hurt me in the past.
Actually he's the only one I really still talk to anyways.
Even though I havn't talked to Craig since I asked him to tell me what He wanted.
Meaning friendship or anything.
But, no reply.
What a surprise.
It may sound like I'm still strung up on him, honestly i'm not.
I'm bent on how he treated/treats me.
But I'm completely over the fact that he doesn't want to be with me.
Why would I want someone who doesn't know I exist?
I tried so hard to impress him and make him want me more.
Pointless, really.
He only saw Amanda through everything I did and said.
He still rambles on about her and how he still wants her.
Why?
Why would you still want that " Scum Sucking Road Whore "
( quote from mean girls )
Ha.
I don't know.
She isn't allowed at my birthday party.
I wonder how Jonny is going to put that one.
" My sister things you're a sleaze bag and would like you to not attend the enormous party I'm having at my house for her "
If she shows up.
I'm going to walk up to her ( drunk I'm hoping cause I can't do shit for confrontation when I'm sober ) and I'm going to say
" You ruined a completely perfect man. He was everything I ever asked for or could want, and you know what you did? You completey corrupted and tainted his mind into thinking every girl is exactly like you. A fucking whore. A peice of shit. A manipulative, friend fucking, make-up abusing, fake haired, lip liner wearing skank. You are everything I am not and I thank GOD for that. I advise you to look around at everyone you've hurt and re-evaluate your life. For every one person you've fucked over, you will get the same treatment and a shit outcome of life, times 50. "
Yeah.
Can you tell I hate her?
I barely know her, but I know what she's done.
Done.
I tried to talk to Stephan.
I'm assuming he's busy.
He hasn't been on.
Hasn't called me.
I feel so bad for what I did to him.
I did exactly what Craig did to me, to Stephan.
I guess Amanda's life ruining skills were passed on through Craig to Me.
Now Stephan is going to ruin someone elses life.
It's a chain of bullshit hurt.
I'm not taking a part in that anymore.
Slowly I'm getting back on track though.
trying to focus on what means the most to me.
I still feel empty, but that will soon pass.
|
|
|
| I really dont fucking CARE. |
[ March 24th, 2007 • 10:32am ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
pissed off |
] |
I'm always some how manipulated into thinking that I did something wrong.
Here is the situation:
I have a a past I'd like to forget.
I have people from my past whome, I can never get out of my head.
Craig being one of them.
Stephan being another.
Both of them have made a very great impact on me.
Bad or good, still, an impact that has made me weaker and stronger.
I started to like someone from my very distant past.
The stupid part of that is, I shouldn't start to like anyone right now.
But you can't stop or prevent feelings.
However such curiosity was cut short.
I don't care who is to blame.
I don't care who does what.
I'm done with dealing with this stupid shit.
I'm 18 not 13.
Who I have feelings for is who I have fucking feelings for.
I think it's unfair for your "best friend" to try and date someone you wanted to.
It's not a fucking competition.
fuck
everyone
|
|
|
| Update, I need to. |
[ March 19th, 2007 • 8:09pm ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 confused |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Austin Carel |
] |
Humph.
I keep doing this where I get back-tracked on here.
I was with Stephan for a week.
yes, We broke up.
I'm still hopelessly lost in this sea of bullshit.
I adore Craig still.
I can't get him off my mind even when I try to hate him.
I can't.
It's horrible.
We're talking again.
Or, atleast we did last night.
He hasn't called me yet today so :/
I'm 6 chapters away from being able to goto bed
I need to.
I'll hopefully have some weed, and pass the fuck out
But I NEED to get this Econ shit done.
|
|
|
| Over it and over this. |
[ March 9th, 2007 • 4:14pm ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
crushed |
] |
I care all too much for people who are just so ungreatful.
What is the purpose anymore of giving a shit?
Seriously.
Life is too precious to shit on everyone.
I can't comprehend how Craig feels anymore.
I'm pretty much done with it.
At one point I thought I loved him.
Really, I was in love with a complete different person.
A person that he really is not anymore.
I'm starting to think I'm an idiot, or just, hopelessly lonely.
I'm with someone else at the moment.
His name is Stephan.
Not only does he make me feel amazing but he treats me amazing.
But honestly, I don't think this is real.
I truely think that well, any day now he's going to tell me what's up.
Which is probably going to be to the tune of something like...
" I don't fucking want you "
Such is life.
I am reused, used, reused, used.
I'm getting used to being just an object, even if it's to the "nice guys"
Whatever.
I'm so numb I doubt I'll feel the blow.
I don't want to fall for him
Simply for that reason.
Not only is he attractive but several girls hit on him
all the time.
That and he has way too many fucking girls that are his friend.
Which worries me.
I have trust issues.
Life is a trust issue.
One big game of who is lying.
It's like russian roulette, but with your heart.
That sparks some imagination.
I'll write a poem while I'm waiting.
Yes, I'm going to pick up Craig with my brother.
No, I'm not excited. I am petrified of seeing him.
I'm probably going to cry tonight.
Yeah.
:/
|
|
|
| life |
[ March 6th, 2007 • 11:44pm ] |
|
confuses me.
|
|
|
| You're so faking it. |
[ March 1st, 2007 • 9:43pm ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
depressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
whore |
] |
In order for me to maintain mental stability right now
I have to be HIGH.
Extremely HIGH. typing this is even hard because I'm beyond high right now.
But anyways.
Guess what.
I was wrong again.
Seems like I can't predict who sucks.
Everyone I try to date does.
Like it or not.
I need to stay high for a day or two
so I don't break down
I was just getting unhigh
and I puked alot
and cried
and that isn't fucking cool anymore
I need my friends.
|
|
|
| i'm not here for your entertainment |
[ February 23rd, 2007 • 5:30pm ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
ecstatic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Pink |
] |
I have not updated in a long time.
I should have.
I get to see Craigery this weekend.
He's staying for a few days.
I'm very excited because I can't wait to sleep in his arms
And kiss him over and over again.
I'm finally happy.
I've realized how lucky I am to have the family i have
teh friends I have
and the man of my dreams finally stumbled into my life.
:]
|
|
|
| :/ |
[ February 16th, 2007 • 12:38pm ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
crappy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Flyleaf |
] |
and.
i don't know what to do.
|
|
|
| Waking up |
[ February 15th, 2007 • 10:49am ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 devious |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
The Used |
] |
Life is just a blur of perfections smearing all of the bad into this
badly drawn portrait of shit and mistakes
The only thing that would put a cherry on top of such feelings
well, would be that kiss I let slip by me that night.
Poo.
I miss him alot more than I ever expected.
|
|
|
| These thoughts were meant to be broke.... |
[ February 14th, 2007 • 7:18pm ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 ditzy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Between The trees |
] |
I hate today only because I wish I were with him.
However, I'm making the best of it.
I'll probably call him later.
and be like W00000000.
Haha.
I'm only in a good mood because of him.
Regardless of if he wants me
or not
He's seriously the sunshine on a clowdy day I've been wanting for months.
Friendship
or relationship.
Kissing or not.
It doesn't matter.
He makes me unbeleivably happy.
I need to quit thinking negatively
and think of how beautiful this feeling is right now.
Hold tight and hold fast.
|
|
|
| Hmmm |
[ February 13th, 2007 • 9:22pm ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
chipper |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Between The trees |
] |
Why is it that christian music pot and banana nut bread put me in the best moods?
Wheres the boy when you need em?
Valetines day, here I come.
I wont be alright tomorrow im going to stay medicated for the day.
|
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
nicotineismyair's journal